Lara Stewart-Panko

I Just Wanna Say

Now, or at any point in time, I would hope that my kid would feel/think/know/say that he was loved, that his mom was a kickass human who did well (though not perfectly) by him, that he has plenty of good memories and he's learned from the woman he knows as Mom, whether he learned lessons from her modelling and teaching, or from how she lived her life, for better or worse.

I know parenthood is a short word for a myriad of roles, responsibilities and happenings. But at the end of the day, what I want -- as a Mother -- is for my kid to reflect on our relationship and know that he mattered the world to someone. I want him to know that someone was so absolutely in his corner, and smitten with him to such a degree that there was nothing he could do that would extinguish the love. Yes, his behaviour could be disapproved of, and aspects of his being could be disliked, but who he was in his essence, his beauty, his wonder, was seen and valued and cherished. He was an essential part of Life.

I'm only 17 and a bit years into parenthood -- excepting the pregnant period, which puts me around 18 years in. I've learned from the past that I have no real understanding of what is to come. And that's not talked about enough. I've yet to hear any good, real, substantial accounts from older parents about what it's like to view your children as adults, as parents. I can only imagine how many dimensions I'll get to see in my kid, and in myself as a parent. It's mind boggling how rich this thread of Life is. I feel so much.

So, we do our best. We parent in this insane system that demands too much from any human being, and we're all working with what we've got. Our kids are doing the same. It's a wild time. And it's wonderful. We're so blessed to have each other -- even when it's so hard we want out.

Sometimes I feel guilty about what I'm about to share, but here goes: Parenthood is the richest experience I've ever known. Have I had other amazing experiences? For sure. Married for over 2 decades, tremendous relationships with friends and family and pets and coworkers and Nature and Spirit...But parenthood takes the cake. Does that mean I'd want more kids? Not anymore. Does that mean I think everyone should be a parent? Not a chance. Does that mean that I think people can't be fulfilled unless they're parents? Of course not. But for those of us that are parents, let's acknowledge what it is: Tremendous. Life-changing. Deep. Hard. Beautiful. Transcendent. Ineffable. Worth it.

And on we go. <3

The image for this post is my son, Sam, at age 4. He's holding a flower I got him for Valentine's Day. One of my favourite photos of him. 🙂

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